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▲+1191▼
And Jesus said, "Come forth and receive everlasting life!"
But John came fifth, and only received a toaster oven.
2361 votes · ·
▲+1670▼
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
3818 votes · ·
▲-1068▼
Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms. Knock knock. Who's there? Not Sally!
8304 votes · ·
▲+651▼
You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
No? Well, well, well....
2079 votes · ·
▲+782▼
Two bananas are lying on a riverbank when a turd goes floating by.
The turd yells to the bananas, "hey guys, come on in, the water feels great!" One banana looks at the other banana and says, "do you believe that shit?"
2210 votes · ·
▲+568▼
A man opens his door and finds a snail on his front porch.
He picks it up and throws it across the street. A year later the man opens his door and finds the same snail on his front porch. The snail looks up and says, "What the fuck was *that* all about!?"
2114 votes · ·
▲+386▼
Two muffins were sitting in an oven.
One turned to the other and said "Hey, it's pretty hot in here, isn't it?" The other turned and shouted "Oh my god a talking muffin!"
2541 votes · ·
▲+1062▼
A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him: "You need to stop masturbating."
"Why?" the man asks. The doctor replies: "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
2574 votes · ·

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